In Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), the form of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) that I advocate, we say that your demands are at the root of your psychological disturbance. But what is a demand exactly, and how does it disturb you?

A demand is a dogmatic belief; the rigid expression of a desire for something. There is something you want (and in your head you’re saying, ‘I must have it’) or something that you don’t want (and in your head you’re saying, ‘It must not happen’). You don’t know you’re making these demands, but this is what REBT teaches us we are doing.

For instance, let’s say that I had a tube train phobia. The thing that terrified me most was getting stuck in a tunnel. My unconscious demand would then be, ‘I must not get stuck in a tunnel.’ And let’s say that you were always getting into angry arguments with your partner because they didn’t respect you. Behind that anger would be the demand that your partner should respect you.

 

What is wrong with them?

Demands disturb you because they are unrealistic. Trains do get stuck in tunnels, and people do disrespect one another, no matter what you demand. They also don’t make sense. Just because you would like people to respect you, it doesn’t logically follow that they have to. Finally, demands don’t help you. Demanding that you must not get stuck in a tunnel keeps you too anxious to ever get on a tube train. Meanwhile, demanding respect has you arguing with your partner instead of communicating with them.

When something disturbs you, you may even hold other unhealthy beliefs about that person, event or situation. However, those beliefs come from the underlying demand.

So, whenever you are angry, depressed, anxious, hurt or whatever, look for the demand. Whenever you are thinking, feeling and acting in a way that you don’t like, but don’t seem able to change, look for the demand.

And if you need help with a problem that you feel stuck with, why not find a CBT therapist who understands all about demands and how to deal with them?

People can disturb themselves by making demands about anything and everything. Albert Ellis, the psychotherapist who developed REBT, said that they broadly fall into one of three categories. There are three types of demands that hold us back:

• I must do well.
• You must treat me well.
• The world must be easy.

We can take the above and add other unhealthy beliefs to them. We could catastrophise, as in, ‘It’s awful that the world is not easy.’ Low frustration tolerance might sound like, ‘I can’t stand not being treated well.’ We might also put ourselves, or even others, down by thinking, ‘I am a failure because I have not done well.’

The solution

The antithesis of the dogmatic demand is the flexible preference. This is where you state what you want, but also accept that you don’t have to get it. I hope I don’t get stuck in that tunnel, but there is nothing to say it must not happen. I hope that person respects me, but they don’t have to respect me. These preferences allow us to strive for what we want without the added pressure of demanding that we have to get it. And so Ellis’ three demands become:

• I would like to do well, but I don’t have to do well.
• I would like you to treat me well, but you don’t have to do that.
• I wish the world were easy, but it does not have to be easy.

When you think flexibly and preferentially, you are more likely to keep a sense of perspective. It is bad that the world is not easy, but it is not awful. You are more likely to be resilient in the face of adversity. It is difficult for me to deal with, but I now know I can stand it when you don’t treat me well. You are also more likely to be a whole lot kinder to yourself and others. I am not a failure, even if I don’t do well. I am a worthwhile, fallible human being.

All this is easy to say, but harder to do. Which is where I come in. I am here to help you practise.