Words to the Wise
If You Only Buy One Book This Christmas
So, I wrote a book. It’s available to buy right now as you’re reading this and it would be awfully remiss of me if I didn’t blog about my book in my own actual blog so, here it is.
It’s called The Four Thoughts That F*ck You Up (and how to fix them) and it’s a hopefully humorous and insightful (I leave that for you to decide) book about rational emotive behaviour therapy (REBT).
REBT was invented in the mid 1950s by a psychotherapist called Albert Ellis. It’s actually considered to be the first form of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) to be developed. And it’s brilliant.
REBT is the form of CBT that I practice and promote. It follows the philosophy that it is not the events in life that disturb you, but what you tell yourself about those events that disturbs you. So if you are thinking, feeling and acting in ways that you don’t like, but don’t seem to be able to change, it’s not because of the thing, but down to what you tell yourself about the thing, change what it is that you tell yourself and you get to change how you think, feel and act.
Now, it’s not saying when stuff happens, that it doesn’t have an influence, because it does but, it’s only an influence. So, even in the face of something difficult, or challenging, or downright negative, you can still remain in control (or regain control if you think you’ve lost it) by looking at what you tell yourself in the face of that difficult, challenging or negative thing.
This means that nobody makes you angry, nothing makes you anxious, and nobody and nothing can drive you to drink, drugs, distraction, despair or doughnuts. It’s what you tell yourself about those things and people that does that.
REBT says that there is always a thing (or an activating event) and a reaction to that thing (a consequence) but, between the thing and the reaction there will be a specific thought process (known as a belief) that drive the reaction about the thing.
So, REBT is all about beliefs. My book is all about the four beliefs that REBT says lie at the heart of psychological disturbance (i.e., that f*ck you up) and the four healthy equivalents that can help keep you calm and rational. It also has a step-by-step guide to help you work on a specific problem
Someone recently asked me why I wrote it. That answer could be a whole blog in itself but, briefly, I’ve been in practice now for over 15 years and just for once, when I was finishing therapy with someone and they asked if there is any reading material I could suggest, I wanted to be able to say, “why yes, there is this very book right here.”
And now I can.
It’s available on Amazon and Waterstones and WHSmith, or directly from the Penguin Random House website and it’s available from all good online bookshops in your country, area and/or territory (so it’s not just available in the UK).
I am reliably informed that it is both “super-wise” and “warm and funny.” And it wasn’t my friends that said that. It would make for a good Christmas stocking filler, or last-minute Christmas gift idea. And for those of you looking a little further ahead, it would be a great way of coming up with and sticking to any one of a number of New Year’s resolutions.
If you haven’t bought it yet, I hope you consider buying a copy. If you have already bought one, I thank you for doing so. And, either way, I hope you will enjoy it, are enjoying it and/or have enjoyed it.
Personally, as much as I enjoyed writing it, I will never forget the thrill of standing in the WHSmith bookshop in Paddington station on the day of publication and seeing out on the shelves already.
All the feels.
Life Lessons are not Always Appreciated
It would appear that symbols of triumph over adversity are sadly lost on some people, even when said symbols are quite literally flourishing right in front of them.
I’m lucky in that the housing development I live in is built on the edge of what was once a churchyard. The church is long gone, but the grounds remain, and so what is now a lovely little park actually sits on my doorstep. It features a large lawn, a war memorial, several trees, squirrels galore, park benches and even a picnic table. It also often contains people walking their dogs or just chilling out in the space.
It’s certainly a beautiful view from my living room windows and one that I never fail to appreciate.
Sadly, in the four years that I’ve lived here several trees have been lost to the storms, felled by ferocious winds that are now a constant feature of the British weather.
One such tree was literally split in two by a particular violent episode about two years back. One half of it fell to the floor and one half remained. However, the remnants of its once proud boughs and trunk were, for safety’s sake, quickly chain sawed down to a mere stump that stood a little over waist height.
Undaunted by the spate of adversity it had faced, the tree stump decided to carry on regardless. The following spring, tiny shoots poked their way out from the reduced trunk and quickly grew into small branches. Each branch sprouted buds that blossomed and became leaves. For two whole summers, it wore those branches and leaves like a verdant, pagan crown. You can see the results in the picture at the top of this post.
I loved that tree stump; it was like a glorious “fuck you” and “bring it on!” to the challenges that life can chuck your way.
Sadly, as of today, that stump is no more. Bristol City Council in its infinite wisdom, or lack thereof, decided to butcher it, to take a chainsaw to that glorious symbol of fortitude and reduce it down to a mere plinth.
It will neither bud nor blossom again.
If asked for a comment, I’m sure some official at the council would say something bland and officious about health and safety.
You can survive any predicament in life, except for the things that kill you, and while that tree survived the storms, it could not survive officialdom.
Goodbye valiant little tree stump, I will always value the life lessons you taught me even if Bristol City Council will not.
Hypnotherapy: Icebergs and Hidden Depths
Quite often in psychology they compare the mind to an iceberg in the ocean. It was Freud who originally came up with the analogy. But why, and what purpose does it serve?
Well, very simply put, there is about ten percent of an iceberg above the waterline. You can see it. But, there’s about 90 per cent of that iceberg hidden below the waterline, and you can’t see it. It’s what can make them quite tricky buggers (or bergs) to navigate.
And there are two parts to your mind (again, very simply put): the conscious and the unconscious, but it’s not a fifty-fifty split.
Which is where that analogy comes in.
Your conscious mind is like the ten percent part of the iceberg visible above the waterline. It’s responsible for all your short-term memory ‘stuff.’ It’s responsible for your everyday thoughts. It’s the part of you that remembers that appointment you have at 1.30pm (if you remember that appointment, that is) and that phone number you only need to use once. It’s also the part of you that remembers to pick up a loaf of bread on the way home from work because your other half asked you to (and, because it’s cheeky and not entirely reliable, it sometimes only reminds you of that just as you cross the threshold to your home). And it’s also the logical, rational and analytical part of your mind.
But, what about the hidden bit?
What is actually going on with the 90 percent of the iceberg below the waterline? What is your unconscious mind responsible for?
Well, the short answer is, “everything else.”
Right now, as you read this article, you are blinking and breathing and regulating your body temperature, together with a thousand other process that you don’t consciously think about: your unconscious mind simply takes care of the for you. But, it’s also the database of everything you are. Everything you’ve ever learned and experienced, all of your skills and habits and all that you have seen and done.
To put it into a context, a 2017 study by tech giant Huawei found that whilst the brain actually makes around 35000 decisions every single day, we’re only ever conscious about a hundred of them. Most of our daily decisions then are made by the unconscious. We are not consciously aware of them. That means there’s a hell of a lot going on with that hidden beneath the surface part of you.
Now, a very nice thing happens in hypnotherapy and it happens to your mind. Hypnosis itself is a trance-like state, very similar to nodding off, daydreaming or losing yourself in a really good book. In this nice-and-dreamy, trance-like state, your conscious mind becomes more passive. It kind of takes a back seat for a while. When that happens, the unconscious part of your mind (that big old database of everything you are) becomes more alert and receptive to positive suggestions.
Especially when those suggestions are tied to goals you already know you want to achieve.
So, in a hypnotherapy session, the hypnotherapist can communicate directly with your unconscious mind and suggest new thoughts, feelings, behaviours and ideas. And these suggestions take hold because you are motivated for change; they take hold because those suggestions are totally in line with what you want to happen and how you want to be.
Pretty cool, huh?