Ah Christmas, the advertising starts in August, the aftershocks last until January. It’s a lot of stress, just for one day. And that day has many moving parts. There’s a lot riding on it and it’s easy to get upset but, as Shakespeare famously wrote, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” (Hamlet, Act II, Scene II). Of course, events influence you. When things go well, you feel happy (yay, presents! Thoughtful gifts!). When things go wrong, you feel stressed (the dog ate the turkey!). However, your reactions depend far more on what you tell yourself about what happened. That includes Christmas. If you often find the festive period stressful and want to emerge unscathed this year, these thought strategies may help. Think of them as seasonal stress management tips.

Everything must be perfect

Beware of words like must, mustn’t, should, and shouldn’t. Avoid phrases such as got to and have to too. Psychologists call these dogmatic demands. They create rigid beliefs that wind you up, increase stress, and trigger anxiety or anger.

People often become surprisingly dictatorial about Christmas Day. They say things like, “Everything must be perfect,” or “Everything has to go right,” or “Cousin Frank must not get drunk.” Sadly, life rarely obeys these demands. Things go wrong, perfection never arrives, and Cousin Frank does whatever Cousin Frank wants.

Try replacing dogmatic demands with flexible preferences. These thoughts express what you want while accepting you do not have to get it. Think, “I would like things to be perfect, but they don’t have to be.” Or, “I hope things go well, but they don’t have to.” You might also think, “I’d prefer Cousin Frank not to get drunk, but there’s no rule saying he must not.”

Acceptance reduces pressure and makes it easier to relax.

That’s it, Christmas is ruined

You’ve probably heard phrases like, “Christmas was ruined,” or “It was a total disaster.” You might hear, “Christmas was awful,” or “Cousin Frank was a nightmare.” Words like ruined, disaster, awful, and nightmare fall into a thinking habit called awfulising, or catastrophising.

Awfulising means treating something as the worst possible thing. It implies the situation is 100 percent bad, with nothing worse imaginable. In reality, almost nothing is entirely bad. You can always imagine something worse.

Awfulising exaggerates problems. That exaggeration explains why Christmas often brings intense emotions and unnecessary stress. Try more balanced alternatives instead. Say, “Christmas didn’t go to plan, but it wasn’t ruined.” Or, “It wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t a disaster.” You might also think, “It was bad, but it wasn’t awful,” or, “I didn’t like Cousin Frank getting drunk, but it wasn’t the end of the world.”

Balanced thinking restores perspective. When you keep events in proportion, your emotional reactions stay proportionate too. This even applies to the celebratory household drama known as, “Oh no, I burned the turkey.”

I can’t stand it / them / this

“I can’t stand it,” also known as “I can’t cope” or “This is intolerable,” reflects low frustration tolerance. To see how unhelpful this thought is, consider its literal meaning.

Some things truly are unbearable. Being airdropped into the Arctic in pyjamas will kill you quickly. The Sahara at noon would do the same. Christmas, however, does not belong in that category. You can stand family gatherings. And you can tolerate awkward conversations. Plus, you can cope with people you’d rather avoid. You can also handle people getting drunk.

It may feel unpleasant and challenging, but it remains survivable. This mindset reflects high frustration tolerance. Things can feel difficult, yet you can endure them. You always have.

You have survived every Christmas so far. That’s a 100 percent success rate. Not bad, eh?

Pejorative put-downs

We often judge harshly. This includes putting ourselves down (“I’m an idiot,” “I’m a failure”). But we also put others down (“They’re useless,” “They’re idiots”). And we can even put things down (“Christmas is rubbish,” “The pudding was disgusting”).

People and situations are more complex than those labels suggest. People have strengths and weaknesses. So do puddings. We all contain successes and failures, positive traits and flaws. One person’s “yuck” is another person’s “yum.”

You are worthwhile and fallible. Worthwhile means you have value as you are. Fallible means you will make mistakes. Everyone does. You are not a failure; you are a worthwhile, fallible human being. Cousin Frank is not useless. He is also a worthwhile and fallible human being.

Christmas is not rubbish. It contains good parts and bad parts. You enjoy some elements and dislike others. Overall, it simply is what it is. Despite months of build-up and endless preparation, Christmas remains just one day.

These ideas come from my book The Four Thoughts That F*ck You Up… and how to fix them. The book draws on Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) and Rational Emotive Behaviour Coaching (REBC). Albert Ellis developed these approaches, building on Stoic philosophy, Buddhism, and existentialism.

I hope these ideas give you festive food for thought, not just for this Christmas, but for all the ones to come. Also, for more stress management tips, fell free to check out my piece on five things to stop stress in its tracks.

Also, if you want to start the new year just right, have a look at ‘how to have a new year that lasts all year long.’

And remember, stress management isn’t just for Christmas; it’s for life.