The Four Thoughts That F*ck Up Christmas (and how to fix them)

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Ah Christmas, the advertising starts in August, the aftershocks last until January. It’s a lot of stress, just for one day. And that day has many moving parts. There’s a lot riding on it and it’s easy to get upset but, as Shakespeare famously wrote, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” (Hamlet, Act II, Scene II). Of course, events influence you. When things go well, you feel happy (yay, presents! Thoughtful gifts!). When things go wrong, you feel stressed (the dog ate the turkey!). However, your reactions depend far more on what you tell yourself about what happened. That includes Christmas. If you often find the festive period stressful and want to emerge unscathed this year, these thought strategies may help. Think of them as seasonal stress management tips.

Everything must be perfect

Beware of words like must, mustn’t, should, and shouldn’t. Avoid phrases such as got to and have to too. Psychologists call these dogmatic demands. They create rigid beliefs that wind you up, increase stress, and trigger anxiety or anger.

People often become surprisingly dictatorial about Christmas Day. They say things like, “Everything must be perfect,” or “Everything has to go right,” or “Cousin Frank must not get drunk.” Sadly, life rarely obeys these demands. Things go wrong, perfection never arrives, and Cousin Frank does whatever Cousin Frank wants.

Try replacing dogmatic demands with flexible preferences. These thoughts express what you want while accepting you do not have to get it. Think, “I would like things to be perfect, but they don’t have to be.” Or, “I hope things go well, but they don’t have to.” You might also think, “I’d prefer Cousin Frank not to get drunk, but there’s no rule saying he must not.”

Acceptance reduces pressure and makes it easier to relax.

That’s it, Christmas is ruined

You’ve probably heard phrases like, “Christmas was ruined,” or “It was a total disaster.” You might hear, “Christmas was awful,” or “Cousin Frank was a nightmare.” Words like ruined, disaster, awful, and nightmare fall into a thinking habit called awfulising, or catastrophising.

Awfulising means treating something as the worst possible thing. It implies the situation is 100 percent bad, with nothing worse imaginable. In reality, almost nothing is entirely bad. You can always imagine something worse.

Awfulising exaggerates problems. That exaggeration explains why Christmas often brings intense emotions and unnecessary stress. Try more balanced alternatives instead. Say, “Christmas didn’t go to plan, but it wasn’t ruined.” Or, “It wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t a disaster.” You might also think, “It was bad, but it wasn’t awful,” or, “I didn’t like Cousin Frank getting drunk, but it wasn’t the end of the world.”

Balanced thinking restores perspective. When you keep events in proportion, your emotional reactions stay proportionate too. This even applies to the celebratory household drama known as, “Oh no, I burned the turkey.”

I can’t stand it / them / this

“I can’t stand it,” also known as “I can’t cope” or “This is intolerable,” reflects low frustration tolerance. To see how unhelpful this thought is, consider its literal meaning.

Some things truly are unbearable. Being airdropped into the Arctic in pyjamas will kill you quickly. The Sahara at noon would do the same. Christmas, however, does not belong in that category. You can stand family gatherings. And you can tolerate awkward conversations. Plus, you can cope with people you’d rather avoid. You can also handle people getting drunk.

It may feel unpleasant and challenging, but it remains survivable. This mindset reflects high frustration tolerance. Things can feel difficult, yet you can endure them. You always have.

You have survived every Christmas so far. That’s a 100 percent success rate. Not bad, eh?

Pejorative put-downs

We often judge harshly. This includes putting ourselves down (“I’m an idiot,” “I’m a failure”). But we also put others down (“They’re useless,” “They’re idiots”). And we can even put things down (“Christmas is rubbish,” “The pudding was disgusting”).

People and situations are more complex than those labels suggest. People have strengths and weaknesses. So do puddings. We all contain successes and failures, positive traits and flaws. One person’s “yuck” is another person’s “yum.”

You are worthwhile and fallible. Worthwhile means you have value as you are. Fallible means you will make mistakes. Everyone does. You are not a failure; you are a worthwhile, fallible human being. Cousin Frank is not useless. He is also a worthwhile and fallible human being.

Christmas is not rubbish. It contains good parts and bad parts. You enjoy some elements and dislike others. Overall, it simply is what it is. Despite months of build-up and endless preparation, Christmas remains just one day.

These ideas come from my book The Four Thoughts That F*ck You Up… and how to fix them. The book draws on Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) and Rational Emotive Behaviour Coaching (REBC). Albert Ellis developed these approaches, building on Stoic philosophy, Buddhism, and existentialism.

 

I hope these ideas give you festive food for thought, not just for this Christmas, but for all the ones to come. Also, for more stress management tips, fell free to check out my piece on five things to stop stress in its tracks.

Also, if you want to start the new year just right, have a look at ‘how to have a new year that lasts all year long.’

And remember, stress management isn’t just for Christmas; it’s for life.

Hypnotherapy Helps With Almost Everything

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Hypnotherapy is undergoing a bit of a renaissance right now. Around the world, people are remembering it as an effective method for managing many things. This includes post-surgical recovery, easing chronic conditions (including pain), reducing the symptoms of stress and burnout, dealing with mental health diagnoses such as anxiety, depression and OCD, and on to building confidence and focus, as well as working on other life coaching goals. It can even help you improve the health of your energetic body (think meridians and chakras). And, if you are on a spiritual path (Druid, Shaman, Wiccan, Buddhist and so on), it can even help you with that.

 

The BBC magazine  Science Focus recently ran a piece called Rethinking Hypnosis (click here), as they have just cottoned on to how good it can be and have realised that the scientific community seriously needs to investigate, not only how it works, but also what it can work on.

 

Not only that, but American psychiatrist Dr David Spiegel has a self-hypnosis app (Reveri) that is constantly in the news to rave reviews. It has appeared in the Financial Times, The New York Times, Women’s Health and more. You might want to click here for more info on that.

 

And just a few weeks ago, mental health and wellbeing magazine Happiful happily extolled  the virtues of it in surgery and stomach pain management following two new studies (click here).

 

Plus, there’s my book, How to Cope With Almost Anything with Hypnotherapy (simple ideas to enhance your wellbeing and resilience). Published by Green Tree/Bloomsbury, it contains a ton of advice, including how to hypnotise yourself, together with 23 helpful, healing recordings. And you really do want to be clicking here for that.

 

Also, hypnotherapy is currently a global wellness trend. Don’t just take my word for it. There’s an in-depth industry business report that’s making that claim (click here).

 

This means that around the world, a lot of people seeking hypnotherapy out, either from individual hypnotherapists or as part of the wellness retreat holiday excursion. The report states that a post-Covid (and ever-increasing) awareness of what hypnotherapy can do is the main factor driving this demand.

 

Even the London School of Economics and Political Science (LSE) has noticed this growing popularity, especially in places such as Indonesia, where hypnotherapy is so popular, it’s almost a way of life (you know what to do). LSE researcher Dr Nicholas Long said that it “does have something to offer in terms of thinking about the mental health and wellbeing challenges that so many people are facing in the contemporary world.”

 

Those challenges include anxiety, depression, anger management, stress management and more. However, you can also have it for weight control, pain control and stopping smoking. You want to build coping strategies? It can do that. Achieving gnosis? It can help with that too. Whatever it is that you want, if it is not delivered in a hypnotic state, it’s not hypnotherapy.

 

What is it?

At its most basic, hypnotherapy is therapy conducted in a state of hypnosis. And, as you can see, there are different therapies for different things, depending on what it is you want to achieve.

 

Hypnosis itself is an altered state of consciousness, very similar to daydreaming or losing yourself in a really good book. In this altered state of consciousness, your unconscious mind becomes very susceptible to positive suggestion. Especially when those suggestions are tied to a goal you already know you want to achieve.

 

A hypnotherapist then, is someone who helps you drift into a hypnotic state, there to deliver suggestions related to your therapeutic, coaching, healing, or life goals.

 

And hypnotherapy works as well online as it does face-to-face which means that, when it comes to finding the right fit hypnotherapist for you, you’re not constrained by location. If you live in London and want a Bristol hypnotherapist, you can have one. Similarly, if you live in Manchester, but want a London-based hypnotherapist, you can have them too.

 

Live in Canada but really like the sound of that UK-based hypnotherapist that everyone has been talking about? Not a problem.

 

When delivered online, you just need a crystal-clear connection. In my experience, people much prefer the sound of my voice to come at them from EarPods or headphones rather than from speakers (it’s more personal and immersive that way). Apart from that, you just need to be sitting comfortably. And the therapist needs to be able to see you clearly, so a laptop or tablet is way better than a smartphone for that.

 

For a taste of hypnotherapy delivered by myself, please take a look my newish YouTube channel (you’ll find it here). And feel free to check in on a regular basis, as more content is being added all the time

 

While I don’t know what it is you want hypnotherapy for, I do know you will be jolly glad you tried it.

 

 

It’s Worth a Shot!

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Say hello to my single session therapy and coaching service . . .

 

Do you have a very specific problem in mind, one that is causing you stress but, that you can articulate well? Is there something on the horizon that you would like to prepare for, either physically or mentally? Do you describe yourself as highly motivated? Do you want to make rapid but significant changes and achieve your goals sooner rather than later?

If you have answered yes to any of the above, then One Shot might just be for you.

One Shot is a bespoke service available almost immediately, with no delays or waiting lists. If suitable, you and I agree to work together for one focussed session only. We work to resolve your immediate challenges and achieve your goals.

One Shot gives you help almost right there and then. It can give you clarity and focus. We draw upon your own innate strengths and inner resources, and give you a concrete plan of action going forwards.

It’s not just for people who have an immediate problem, or sudden challenge that needs addressing. It is also a great preventative; a way of heading things off at the pass. Therapy and coaching are so much better when used as prevention rather than reparation and repair.

 

With a One Shot session there are three points of contact overall:

 

Point one:

The initial consultation. This will be either over the phone or via Zoom and will last for approximately 15 minutes. This is where we decide if One Shot is suitable for you. If we agree that it is, we book the session and I send you a short questionnaire to be returned in advance of the session.

 

Point two:

The One Shot session itself. This lasts from one-and-a-half to two hours and can involve a combination of rational emotive behaviour therapy (REBT) and positive psychology, as well as hypnotherapy. The aim is for you to leave, not only with greater insight and understanding but, also, with several key points for you to act upon. You will be sent a recording of our therapy / coaching session, together with a copy of the hypnotherapy element (if this was included in your protocol). *

 

Point three:

A follow up call. Either a few weeks or months following the session (at a pre-agreed time and date) I will contact you and check in on your progress following the session. Here we can discuss various things, including possible improvements, and further requirements (such as a full course of therapy if wanted).

 

One Shot can help with:

  • Anxiety
  • Anger Management
  • Adjustment difficulties
  • Coping with change
  • Dealing with uncertainty
  • Relationship problems
  • Stress in all its forms
  • Personal development
  • Decision making
  • Preventative mental health care
  • Sudden life crisis management
  • Building better habits
  • Confidence and self-worth
  • And more

 

 

If you are interested in One Shot, please contact me either by email at info@danielfryer.com or via
WhatsApp on +44 (0)7947 310 052

 

 

 

* A PDF transcript of the session can also be provided upon request, but at extra cost.

Five Things to Stop Stress in its Tracks

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Stress is pernicious and all-pervading, when people come to see me for therapy for it and all the ways it presents (click here for more on that), they understand that it will take more than the one session to get a handle on it, but they also often ask, “is there something I can do now that will help?” And the short answer to that is, “yes.” If you do any of the below daily, it will help you take back control, if you practice all five things on a regular basis, you might well work wonders.

 

One: Walk away

 

Whatever the stressful situation is, if you feel your heart pumping and your pulse racing, if you feel dizzy or like that infamous red mist is descending, just walk away. Take time out, rest, relax, let your mind and body return to baseline and then, when you feel ready to, go back into the situation. Chances are that things will have calmed down by then anyway. And there is nothing wrong in taking time out, or saying, “I just need to take a few minutes to reflect on this,” and then getting the hell out of there.

 

Two: Regular breaks

 

Whilst on the topic of time out, taking regular breaks in your day needs to be routine. One job I had, back in the day (when I was still a fresh-faced teenager) not only had a full hour for lunch (with luncheon vouchers) but also mandatory 15-minute breaks twice a day. People who take regular breaks, those who come in on time and leave on time (special occasions excepting) are less stressed, more productive, less likely to take time of work sick and save money in terms of recruitment and training by staying where they are for longer. In terms of both mental health and business success, pacing yourself is the way!

 

Three: Get some nature

 

Nature is essential to your mental health and wellbeing. You need a daily dose of it and getting it will help. The more, the better! Go for a walk in a park, sit by a pond or river if you can (or a fountain in a square if you can’t). Visit forests, moors, and beaches. Even pot plants on your desk improve wellbeing and mitigate stress. One of the nicest environments I even walked into, there to deliver a workplace wellness seminar, had so much foliage within it that it looked like the Amazon jungle, only with desks and monitors poking out of the lush greenery instead of birds and reptiles.

 

Four: Box breathing

 

Your breath is a great stressbuster. When used properly that is. First up, remove yourself from the stressful situation. Then regulate your breathing. Sit or stand, close your eyes, or leave them open, and breathe deeply, preferably in through your nose and out through your mouth (but either/or works well too), but in a rhythmic fashion. First hold your breath for the count of four, then breathe in for the count of four, hold it in for the count of four, and then breathe out slowly for the count of four. And repeat this for as often as you think you need or until you feel calm and balanced.

 

Five: Meditate

 

Any form of meditation will work wonders on your stress levels, even if you do it for just five minutes a day. One of the easiest ways to meditate also involves your breath. Sit somewhere comfortable and just focus on your breathing, in and out, softly, and gently; in and out, either through your nose or through your mouth, or both. And really give your full attention to your breathing. Notice what it feels like, and what it sounds like. Feel the temperature of your breath, notice all the subtle and not-so-subtle differences between your in breath and your out breath. Try to become as vitally absorbed with your breathing as you can. Whilst fully accepting that your mind will wander. This is perfectly normal. Don’t become frustrated by this. Just accept it as part of the process. Whenever you notice your attention has wandered, just bring it back to your breath. With practice, you can stay with your breath for longer, your attention will wander less and less, and your mind calms right down pretty quick.

 

Chronic stress and situations where you often feel out of control will need a little bit more help than the above and I can heartily recommend both rational emotive behaviour therapy (click here for more on that) and clinical hypnotherapy (click here for more on that too). But, in the heat of the moment, the above things will help calm you down.

Online Hypnotherapy: Will it Work for You?

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A few weeks ago now, I wrote an article for Psychology Today on the benefits of online therapy and how studies show that it is as equally effective as psychotherapy delivered face-to-face (click here). Since that article went live, I’ve had a fair few emails asking if that also applied to hypnotherapy. And the short answer to that question is, “yes.’”

During the pandemic, hypnotherapists had to switch their clinics to an entirely online affair whether people liked it or not. Since then, as with other forms of therapy, some therapists have remained entirely online whilst others have offered both face-to-face and web therapy.

And whilst official studies into hypnotherapy delivered over digital platforms are few and far between (at least, as far as I know, so feel free to correct me if I am wrong), one study showed that it was effective in treating migraines (click here), whilst another suggested it was effective on children presenting with nocturnal enuresis, or bed wetting (click here).

On the anecdotal front, one magazine editor happily wrote about her experience with digitally delivered hypnotherapy (click here) whilst another espoused the joys of her FaceTime Hypnotherapy session (click here). Plus, there are a plethora of successful hypnotherapy apps available that simply require you to sit back and enjoy some beneficial suggestions delivered via your smartphone or tablet.

I know from experience that the one form of hypnotherapy is is just as effective as the other as I’ve been delivering it online for years now, since way before Coronavirus forced the first UK lockdown back in March 2020.

Quite early on in my therapy career (some 19 years or so at the time of writing), someone asked if they could continue seeing me whilst work sent them away across Europe to a variety of locations. I mainly saw them in various hotels rooms, but also once by a large and empty pool and another time on a patio with a glorious mountain in the background. Back then it was Skype rather than Zoom but, the wide variety of backdrops, both panoramic and otherwise, did nothing to hamper our work together.

At the end of the day (or beginning, or middle, or whenever you see fit to see your hypnotherapist) it all comes down to a matter of choice and/or preference. Some people prefer digital (or are constrained by other factors) whilst some prefer to see their therapist for real.

Reasons for wanting to see a hypnotherapist online include factors such as convenience, schedules, work/life balance management, the ability to choose a therapist from further afield (not just nationwide but other countries), enjoying the comfort of your own home, mobility issues, and more.

Web delivered hypnotherapy is just as effective as live hypnotherapy in treating a wide range of issues including stress (life stress, work stress, burnout syndrome, and so on), as well as anxiety disorders, reactive depression, anger-management, self-esteem and confidence issues, weight control, pain control and the like.

If you are thinking of digital hypnotherapy, there are a few things to consider in advance:

  • A good connection (this is vital for any form of online psychotherapy) enables every hypnotic suggestion to be delivered clearly and precisely
  • A good screen size (so laptops and tablets are preferable to smartphones)
  • A comfy chair (the comfier the better)
  • A blanket (if you like to be all warm and snuggly)
  • Good quality speakers (good quality headphones are even better)
  • Somewhere safe, private, and secure (it’s a therapy session, after all, and you will want to keep things confidential)

Another thing to consider is the severity of the problem. If you are at high-risk of suicide or self-harm, one-to-one live therapy with a nearby therapist plus a clear care plan discussed and agreed by you both is a better fit for you, no matter what modality of therapy is on offer. But, for anything at the mild-to-moderate end of the spectrum, you should be good to go.

If you would like to see me for online hypnotherapy, or even online rational emotive behaviour therapy (REBT), for that matter, my contact details are at the bottom of this page.

Finally, if you’re wondering, REBT is a rather nifty and elegant form of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) that works well on everything mentioned above (stress management, anxiety issues, confidence issues and so on), either on its own or in conjunction with hypnotherapy.

Everybody is Stressed, but What Can You do About it?

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I’ve been a therapist now since 2004 and, for most of that time, when people asked me what I specialised in, I told them that anxiety disorders and work-related stress management were my forte but, on reflection, and for several years now, I would say that both life and work have made me a stress specialist.

That term still covers anxiety disorders and work-stress but, it also covers a whole lot more. Stress affects us all and we are becoming more stressed, not less so. In fact, research from the Chartered Institute of Development has found staff absences due to stress are at their highest levels in over a decade, with the pandemic, the high cost of living and other issues all being significant contributing factors, (click here). But what is stress?

According to the World Health Organisation, “stress can be defined as a state of worry or mental tension caused by a difficult situation.”

However, there are two types of stress: good stress (eustress) and bad stress (distress).

Eustress refers to the sort of challenge and pressure that you thrive under or rise to meet with excitement. It could be a work deadline, or a wedding, or a rollercoaster ride. Meanwhile, distress is what we often mean when we are talking about ‘stress.’ It can refer to seemingly insurmountable pressures in any context (life or work), pressures that you feel you can’t cope with, or are not dealing with as well as you’d like. But stress isn’t a diagnosis in and of itself. It’s an umbrella term for a variety of things including:

 

  • Anxiety
  • Reactive depression
  • Anger-management
  • Guilt
  • Shame
  • Procrastination
  • Insomnia (often stress related)
  • Skin conditions such as psoriasis (also often stress related)
  • Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or IBS, (nearly always stress related)

 

You can turn to unhealthy coping strategies when you are stressed, such as alcohol, drugs (both prescription and recreational) and comforting eating. Stress can wear you down, it can affect you physically as well as mentally. You can become distracted, less productive, more forgetful, and more prone to illness (stress affects your immune system). Chronic work stress even has its own diagnosis: Burnout Syndrome. This is a purely occupational phenomenon not official recognised until 2019 and characterised by exhaustion, increased negativity (or cynicism) towards your job, and reduced professional efficacy.

Stress is such as small word for something with so many distressing ramifications.

Stress affects both your mind and your body. A little bit of it is good for you, but too much stress can easily overwhelm you. And we are living in a very stressful world; one that doesn’t seem to be interested in getting any easier. Stress quickly mounts up and it soon takes its toll.

Thankfully, there are things you can do to help mitigate your stress, such as yoga, meditation, taking regular breaks, and going for long walks. And, if those things aren’t enough then therapy and coaching can help.

I practice rational emotive behaviour therapy (REBT) and clinical hypnotherapy, and both can help you mitigate your stress and build effective coping strategies in the face of it. With REBT and hypnotherapy the seemingly insurmountable obstacles in your daily live become something much easier to deal with.

So, if you think your stress is getting the better of you, feel free to book a call. I work face-to-face and online and can see anyone, anywhere (time zones permitting). And online therapy is just as effective as face-to-face, studies say so (click here).

Where Does the Time Go?

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Can it really be three years and five months since I last blogged on my own website? The answer to that question, going by the dates, is obviously yes. Yes, it has been more than three years.

Okay, in that time, I wrote and published one book (you can find a link to it here) and I’ve been writing a regular column over at Psychology Today (you can click on that here) and I’ve also been writing elsewhere (you can check a selection of those articles out here) but, still. Three years.

It’s been a tad remiss of me and so, to address that imbalance, I am going back to blogging on my own website where, over the coming months, I will hopefully be not only offering words of wisdom, but also helpful tips, exercises, and insights to help you manage your mental health and wellbeing that much better. After all, it’s a stressful world out there. So much so, that I’ve had to slightly redefine what it is that I offer (or, more importantly, what it is I treat).

I offer rational emotive behaviour therapy (REBT) and clinical hypnotherapy (either separately or combined) together with elements of positive psychology and I offer it in both a psychotherapeutic and coaching capacity.

Times past, I said I specialised in the treatment of anxiety disorders and work-related stress management as, at the time, I was receiving more referrals for these things than anything else. So, that is how and where I built my areas of expertise.  I can also help you with pain control, but that’s another story.

Meanwhile, back to stress.

Since the pandemic and everything else that came after it, I’ve just accepted the fact that I am now a stress specialist. This still covers anxiety disorders and work-related stress management but, also a whole host of other things (more of that in another blog, I reckon).

“Stress,” is what people state the most when I ask them what they want help with. “I want you to help me manage my stress more effectively,” they say. And this I can do.

People also ask me to provide them with coping strategies (again, this I can do) but, when I used to ask them what they wanted those coping strategies for, they used to mention specific things, such as “my job,” or “my boss” or “my relationship” or “my challenging friend.” Nowadays, however, when I ask people what they want those coping strategies for, the most common response is, “everything.”

Despite all the strides made in mental health and wellbeing, despite the mine of information and the wealth of support that is out there, life has become even more stressful, not less so. And people need help in dealing with that.

To that end, my next book (out Spring 2024) is called How to Cope with Almost Anything with Hypnotherapy. And it will do just what the title suggests, using not only hypnotherapy, but also elements of REBT and positive psychology to help you increase your resilience, improve your wellbeing, and handle whatever life throws at you next more effectively.

In the meantime, I can personally help you cope with almost anything either face-to-face or online. And a recent study (click here) has found that online therapy is just as effective as face-to-face therapy.

People also value the convenience of it and the ability to engage with a therapist from the comfort of their own homes. So too do many of the therapists that offer online therapy.

So, face-to-face, or online, if there is stress in your life, if there is something you would like help in coping with, now is a good time to start. Because life always has that something to throw at you.

Swearing at the Coronavirus Might Just Do You the Power of Good

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Sometimes, you’ve just got to call a spade a spade and, sometimes, you’ve got to look at something that’s a bit shit and just say, “fuck it.” Believe me, it will help you, as swearing at things can be a very empowering and life-affirming thing to do.

 

Many studies have backed up the usefulness of swearing in a variety of settings. Swearing can help you cope with adversity, get on with people more quickly, cope with difficult and demanding situations and, even, bolster the persuasiveness of your arguments, speeches and conversations.

 

One such experiment, from researchers at Northern Illinois University, examined the effects of swearing on the persuasiveness of a speaker. Participants were invited to listen to three versions of a speech. One where the word ‘damn’ appeared at the beginning, one where it appeared at the end and one where it didn’t appear at all. The results showed that swearing at the beginning or the end of the speech significantly increased not only the persuasiveness of the speech but also the perceived intensity of the speaker. 1

 

Meanwhile, Professor Richard Stephens, over at Keele University in Newcastle, has tested swearing in a wide variety of ways over the years. He and his team have discovered that people who do swear can hold their hands in freezing cold water for longer than those who don’t swear and that, in a test of anaerobic strength, people who swore produced more power wattage and a stronger handgrip on a stationary exercise bike than those who did not.

 

Elsewhere, other studies have shown that people who swear, as long as swearing is part of their overall and otherwise extensive vocabulary, tend to be healthier, happier and a whole lot more honest too.

 

 

Swearing then, is not only good for your physical and mental health, but it is also a great way to gain control over your pain, your stress and your emotions.

 

There’s a lot going on at the moment; a lot of things are currently out of our control and it’s easy to feel powerless and lost. However, if you want to lift your spirits and feel more resilient in the face of the current adversity, don’t be afraid to drop the F-bomb.

 

It’s not for nothing my therapy book is called The Four Thoughts That F*ck You Up (and how to fix them). In fact, it when it comes to self-help books with swearwords in the title, it’s not alone.

 

We have The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson (as well as his follow-up, Everything Is F*cked) and The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k by Sarah Knight, as well as Healthy as F*ck (Oonagh Duncan), Wake the F#ck Up (Brett Moran) and, my favourite, Fuck Off (a mindfulness swearword colouring book for adults). Finally, there’s the daddy of them all, F**k It Therapy by John C Parkin (plus his two f*ck-related follow ups). In a similar, but also slightly different refrain, we have Get your Sh*t Together by Sarah Knight and (proving that even Knights of the Realm thing swearing is good for you) How to Fix Your Sh*t by Sháá Wasmund MBE.

 

Swearing crops up very frequently in my therapy room.

 

I once had a client who had an anger management issue and a very short fuse. “You must respect me,” he believed. “It’s intolerable to not be respected and people who don’t show respect me are arseholes.” This belief allowed him to kick off whenever he felt disrespected by anyone and, even, anything. He once ripped an IKEA cabinet to little bits and pieces just because ‘Thing A’ disrespected him by not fitting into ‘Groove B.’

 

The healthy alternative to all this was, “I like to be respected but I don’t have to be respected; I find it difficult to deal with when I’m not, but I know I can stand it; people who don’t respect me are not arseholes, they are worthwhile fallible human beings.”

 

With a little vim and vigour, his healthy beliefs became “I like to be respected but I don’t fucking have to be respected; I won’t like it when I’m not but it won’t fucking kill me and people who don’t aren’t fucking arseholes, they’re all-fucking-right really.” Eventually, over time, he whittled all this down to just, “fuck it.” And that was enough for him to gain control over his anger and keep calm, even when other people were being less than his ideal.

 

Profanity can be quite profound, you see; and this Coronavirus well, it can just fucking do one, can’t it?

 

 

1:Cory R. Scherer & Brad J. Sagarin (2006) Indecent influence: The positive effects of obscenity on persuasion, Social Influence, 1:2, 138-146, DOI: 10.1080/15534510600747597

 

 

There’s No Need to Panic About this Pandemic

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Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) makes a distinction between unhealthy anxiety and healthy concern. Both share the same theme, or inference, as both are about the threats and dangers of everyday life. It doesn’t matter if the threat is real (something that is happening or is about to happen) or imaginary (something that hasn’t happened yet and probably won’t happen at all); anxiety and concern are all about threat and danger.

 

Unhealthy anxiety is the result of irrational (or unhelpful) beliefs about a given event or situation; whilst healthy concern arises when you hold rational (or helpful) beliefs about the exact same event or situation.

 

When you are unhealthily anxious you overestimate the probability of that threat occurring and underestimate your ability to deal with it, you can create an even more negative threat in your mind and might find it difficult to concentrate on other matters. Typically, the anxious will avoid the threat (physically or mentally), ward off the threat, tranquilise their feelings and seek reassurance about it.

 

When you are healthily concerned, however, you are more realistic about the probability of the threat occurring and are equally realistic about your ability to cope with it. You do not create even more negative scenarios in your mind, and you are able to concentrate on other tasks and matters. As a result, the concerned are more able to face up to the threat (if it even occurs) and are more able to take constructive action to minimise said risk or danger.

 

This also applies to health anxieties. A health anxiety is an obsessive and irrational worry that you have caught or are about to come down with a severe medical condition.

 

And, right now, as a health anxiety, as a public and medical concern and as a severe medical condition Coronavirus, or COVID-19, is right up there and scaring us all.

 

But, are our news outlets and our governments overdoing it or not; are we all literally making a drama out of a crisis; are our fears rational or irrational; founded or unfounded? In short, are we experiencing collective Coronavirus anxiety or COVID-19 concern?

 

Considering the statistics (at the time of writing of the 107,828 cases so far, 86 percent have been of a mild condition and a massive 94 percent have so far recovered and/or been discharged.) it would seem to be the former. And so, asset stripping the shelves in supermarkets and chemists of bog roll, antibacterial hand gels and facemasks does seem like reassurance seeking writ large, whilst completely shunning people, public places and public transport could count as avoidance.

 

Beating people up based on their ethnicity or holiday choices, meanwhile, is definitely overkill.

 

Yes, people have sadly died but there have been other factors involved (such as age and other underlying health conditions).

 

Caution is advised, certainly, but the current advice is to wash your hands regularly and thoroughly (for at least 20 seconds) and that’s about it. That is considered effective protection, not just against COVID-19, but all other cough and cold-related germs and viruses.

 

Whilst the Coronavirus is something to be concerned with, and something to take reasonable precautions against, it is nothing to get anxious about.

 

For more on the current global pandemic panic, please feel free to read my post over at Psychology Today (click here).

 

If you want to know more about REBT, the thoughts that can freak you out and, more importantly, how to deal with them, please feel free to purchase a copy of this book that I wrote (click here).

 

Anxiety Disorders: A Brief Overview

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As a rule, I tend to specialise in the areas of anxiety disorders and work-related stress management. Between the two, I cover a multitude of sins. And, but sins I mean I help people deal with a series of emotional and behavioural problems that have them thinking, feeling and acting in ways that they don’t like but don’t seem to be able to change.

The term ‘anxiety disorder’ on it’s own could mean any one of several things up to and including, but not limited to panic attacks and panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), psychosexual dysfunction, health anxiety and any and all types of phobias.

Broadly speaking, anxiety is your response to danger; it’s the fight, flight (or freeze, for those of you who experience brain lock) response to a threat or a danger. However, this response is being triggered in situations that aren’t that dangerous. Coming across a hungry lion whilst walking down your street is very dangerous, whereas sitting an exam is not. However, if you have anxiety, the same thoughts and feelings are being triggered in the face of an exam as they are when confronted by that hungry lion.

Anxiety problems are the number one presenting symptom here in the United Kingdom

Panic Attacks

Panic attacks are an extreme type of fear response. They are an exaggeration of your body’s normal response to danger, stress or excitement. They’re not much fun

Panic Disorder

This is where you have regular or frequent panic attacks that don’t seem to have a specific cause or trigger. It can mean that you are so afraid of having another panic attack that the fear itself can bring on a panic attack. Not good.

Social Anxiety Disorder

This is where your fear response is being triggered by social situations, such as pubs and parties, work and networking events. Basically, anywhere you have to talk to another person. This is also known as social phobia and it’s more common than you think.

GAD

Pity the person who is living with this condition, for they are experiencing regular or uncontrollable worries about many different things across most aspects of everyday life. It could be that there are many, many triggers or no specific trigger at all, making GAD a tricky little bugger to pin down.

OCD

This problem is made up of two parts, an obsession and a compulsion. Obsessions are unwelcome and intrusive thoughts, images, urges, worries or doubts that repeatedly appear in your mind. The compulsions are repetitive activities that you feel compelled to do in order to reduce the anxiety caused by the obsession. It could be checking that a door is locked, or repeating a specific phrase in your head and so on. Some people have what is known as ‘Pure O’ where they have the obsession but not the compulsion. This does not make it any less distressing.

PTSD

This is an anxiety problem that gets diagnosed after you have gone through something that you found traumatic. A close brush with death or a violent attack on you or someone near you can do it. PTSD can cause flashbacks and nightmares that make you feel like you are reliving the fear and anxiety you experienced during the traumatic event again and again. Who said the mind isn’t your best friend?

Psychosexual Dysfunction

When related to anxiety, psychosexual dysfunction is the inability to become sexual aroused or achieve sexual satisfaction because you are afraid of something happening or something going wrong. The problem is not physiological it is psychological. It can affect both men and women and, obviously can be quite miserable and debilitating.

Health Anxiety

Perhaps unsurprisingly, this means anxiety about your health. You will have an obsessive preoccupation with the idea that you have (or are about to develop) an illness. Common health obsessions including cancer, heart health, HIV and so on, but people can become preoccupied with any condition. Behaviours include researching symptoms, constant checking to see if you have them and many, many, many visits to your local GP.

Phobias

A phobia is an extreme form of anxiety that can be triggered by a particular situation or object, even when there is no danger. The sufferer knows that their reaction is out of proportion to the danger but they just can’t stop themselves. People can becoming phobic about anything and everything: spiders, mice, lifts, heights, thunder and lightning, buttons, ships, you name it.

Other anxiety problems include performance anxiety (stage fright and exam fears, for instance), body dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and more.

Thankfully, all forms of CBT are considered the gold standard of treatment for anxiety disorders. Hypnotherapy is also a highly effective adjunct to CBT. So, if you need to find a therapist to help you with your anxiety, look for someone who has CBT skills, or hypnotherapy skills, or both.

Obviously, there is quite a lot to digest here so I’ll leave the heady world of work-related stress (the number one cause of staff absenteeism) until next time.